Break Don’t Bend

Hot water in the sink
Oil on my hands
Sun is down, sky is dark nothing else planned
Thoughts leave a mark like a red hot brand
And it’s all I can remember once the flame has been fanned

Practice makes perfect
Hills and roads
Biking in silence on a cold ride home
Shoes off in the hall, I’m glad to be alone
And then my blood runs cold

What’s another twelve months if I can’t change this
Abandon all dignity, shift and resist
If I can’t write, I’m nothing, just two sore wrists
Living for the dreams on a fucking short list

Now I did my best but the song is not there
Bent over loose leaf, sit and stare
Thoughts drown out thoughts
Fist full of hair
That’s another hope gone can’t see why I care

I did the same thing again
No love, lifeless, paper and pens
Every nerve screams at me “break don’t bend”
But I lie back down just wait for this to end

I’m a no-sleep, retail, trainwreck
I know you’ve got it worse
I won’t complain yet
Put it in the song playing on the tape deck
And shit will probably kill me before anyone is impressed

Because I don’t speak for anyone
I hate leaving the house
Just staring at my feet as I’m wandering about
If I know a street is crowded then I pick another route
Because I’m just so fucking lonely I’m afraid I might reach out

See I’m sick of being real when it’s real to turn away
Show my fucking soul as your interest fades
“I live for my music” that’s just what I say
When I’m down but I don’t want the truth to escape

Odd hours working
Turned so shy
Streets full of strangers
Downcast eyes
Lying in bed
Couldn’t sleep if I tried
Breakfast at eleven, heavy drapes for the light

Through the month of December I would drink until I fell
And the walls of my room closed in like a cell
Voice far away like the bottom of a well
And every fucking song put me through hell
Since nothing ever matters if it never sees the light
Which is why I want to scream while I’m walking through the night
That all of this is real, even if I lose the fight
And I’ll get it out if it’s the last thing that I write